Here are the pics, if you just want to see something that takes 30 seconds to design and 3 hours to execute:
And here comes the armchair philosophy, if you’re interested in that.
Duality is one of the most basic concepts we have. Night and day. Light and dark. Jekyll and Hyde. Waves and particles. Tie-dye hearts and center-of-mass rifle targets.
Most of the time, I destroy things. Everything I touch falls apart in some way. Relationships (platonic, romantic, and familial), electronics, birdhouses, books, all become fubar in my hands. I am King Midas’s antithesis. I have accepted that and made it part of me.
At the same time, I create things. Beautiful things in my eyes, but to some people, they’re ugly. I accept that, I don’t care what people think about those things; I have made so much more that I haven’t posted because I know most people can’t find the beauty in the things I do. The grayish-green of the clouds before a big storm, one downed tree that took out several others, X-rays, graffiti, the contrast of blood on pale skin (don’t read into that. I wouldn’t purposely hurt anyone), rain hitting the eroding bricks outside my dorm – all these are so beautiful to me, but plenty of people don’t see it: “A storm’s coming in.” “That tree was too tall.” “Stupid hoodlums.” “You’re sick for thinking that’s beautiful.”
Duality. It all comes back to duality, all of it. One death of one tree causes several deaths and makes the life around it that much more intoxicating. The gray of the clouds makes the blue that much more exciting. The entirety of your body reduced to a few white lines on a dark gray background and the dark maroon of blood seeping out and staining skin, the fragility and resiliency of life captured in a single image. The spray-paint proudly defiant of the institutionalized concrete walls. Water destroying pathways, suddenly no longer a benign resource but a destructive force.
Every so often, I manage to accidentally show this in some way, shape, or form. It doesn’t happen often, and it’s usually a result of an incident involving Google Image Search and the terms “life”, “death”, and “embroidery”.
That’s a center-of-mass target next to a heart-tie-dye cell phone charging station with a polka-dot ribbon. Destruction and creation in a single image. My personality, captured for the world to see.
These past few weeks have been exceedingly strange for me. I was asked out seriously for the first time.
I’ve been asked out before, but it was never because the guy liked me. In middle school, it was to watch me trip over my words and fumble around for a nice way to phrase it. In high school, it was because some of the boys played a game where they would see who could get rejected most in a single school day. Eventually, I automatically assumed that any time someone asked me out, it was part of a game. And I was always right.
So this bout of being seriously liked is strange, and weird, and I’m not entirely sure how to deal with it. I told him I didn’t feel the same way about him, but now what?
I’m still adjusting to college. This is one the hardest, strangest things I’ve ever done.
I’m still adjusting to life without a back brace, and I haven’t worn one for six years. SIX. YEARS. Think about what you were doing six years ago, think about who you were. I wake up disturbingly often to panic attacks because I’m not wearing a brace, and I tear the room apart looking for it before I remember that I’m eighteen, not twelve, and it’s been years since my back surgery, and what is wrong with me for not knowing it by now? And if it’s taking me this long to adjust to THAT change, how long will it take me to adjust to THIS change?
So, yeah. Duality. Health and sickness, life and death, night and day, tie-dye hearts and shooting targets. It all comes back sooner or later.
Stay golden, everyone, and send me some good karma.